Isn't it a bit unsettling that doctors call what they do "practice"?

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

My date took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, you’re very beautiful!”  I said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad yourself."

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "What?" "What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to have a little fun first.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Is there another word for synonym?

She was a lovely girl.  Our courtship was fast and furious.  I was fast and she….was furious.

If it's true that girls are likely to marry men like their fathers, then no wonder mothers cry so much at weddings.

Divorce is painful.  There’s an easy way to save yourself a lot of trouble.  Just find yourself a woman you can't stand and then buy her a house.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

The bad news is that the government is predicting a big recession. The good news is the government hasn't been right yet.

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so shy he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

How are politicians and dirty diapers alike?

- They both need changing for the same reason.

So, how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

If law school is so difficult to get through, then why are there so many lawyers?  

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother began walking 5 miles a day when she was 65 years old.  She’s 97 today and we still don’t know where the hell she is

One of the things that bothers me about doctors is that they make appointments for you to see them six weeks in advance.  Then when you come in they ask you why you waited so long.

President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A smiling Colonel greets The President, The conversation went like this:

Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.

President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.

Colonel: Nice trade Sir!

Join the Army; travel to exotic, distant lands;
meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculations.  I left early

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

The laws of golf

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The laws of golf

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

How many presidents does it take to change a light bulb?  None.  They only promise change.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

One advantage of electing a woman President of the United States is we wouldn’t have to pay her as much.

Said the sweet young lady, "Oh, I see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their sizes and temperatures and all that. What really gets me is how they find out what their names are."

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team, and they all get three credits each for it.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

"Why is it so hard for women to find a man who is charming, well-dressed, sensitive, and good-looking? Because all those men already have boyfriends."

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is about the same, but the dishes pile up.

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"